I have a confession to make. I once had an erotic dream about Yvette Cooper. I'm not proud of it, although I do tell myself that we are not responsible for our own subconsciences. Nevertheless, Yvette Cooper? Yes, she is attractive, in an earnest, swotty, buttoned up kind of way. But then she will keep opening her mouth and talking Labour speak. Fortunately she didn't say much in my dream. She just deployed that little wrinkle at the top of her nose, the one she uses whenever she is saying something particularly earnest and sanctimonious and I was putty in her hands. I'm only human. And in my defence I also have a weakness for the younger, Tory version of Yvette, Chloe Smith.
Yvette, you see, is ultimately not so very different to Forrest. It's just that she's infuriating in a more amenable package, and that, as we all know, is often all you need in modern politics.
All in all then, if Forrest ever dreams of Yvette rather than the long suffering Justine, it is unlikely to be the sort of dream that I once had. It is much more likely to be of the nightmarish variety. You see Yvette has lately been getting some very good write-ups, and not just from those with schoolboyish crushes. Some, many in fact, are writing of her as leadership material. And, given that Forrest is having a bit of a nightmare in the top job, this has long since gone beyond the realms of fantasy and fantasising.
At the weekend, Labour fell 5 points behind the Tories in the latest poll. This, along with other polls that have lately been heading in the same direction, was not the sort of gap that can readily be explained by flukes and margins of error. Not that this has stopped Labour having a go. Interestingly they were dismissive of polls showing Labour and Forrest doing badly but more enthusiastic about those showing that Ken Livingstone is now ahead of Boris in London. Strange that.
But, you would think, even a delusional fruitcake, old style, promise them the earth Labour stalwart like Ken ought to be doing well under the present circumstances against a Tory, any Tory. Nationally Forrest and his party really ought to have a decent doublle figure lead. Yet they find themselves lagging behind the Tories and losing arguments about welfare and the economy - so much so that Forrest and Yvette's hubby have felt it necessary to execute a U turn or two whilst pretending to do otherwise. In so doing they have confused and infuriated the whole nation even more. Thus Yvette, in her fragrant but slightly irritating way, is seen as a threat. It all probably leaves Forrest with a nasty taste in his mouth. Perhaps that's why last week he told us he takes all of this sort of thing with a pinch of sugar rather than the traditional salt. At least it showed that it's not just at PMQs where he cocks up the jokes and aphorisms.
Anyway, to this week's PMQs. Dave could at least breathe a sigh of relief that the unemployment figures had been dealt with for another month. Unfortunately Forrest had the latest GDP figures to throw at him again. Bloody statisticians. This then ought to have been a golden opportunity for Forrest to hit Dave with both barrels. But then of course these golden opportunities have come and gone before and we have all been left like a Crystal Palace fan wondering about what might have been.
The first couple of questions came from backbenchers, including some famous Burns quotes that even we Sassenachs have heard of to throw at the SNP. They will today be setting out their stall for consulting the Scottish people about a referendum before going ahead and trying to do what they always intended to do in the first place. Dave called up his Scottish heritage and quoted Rabbie at SNP (south).
And speaking of timorous beasties, Forrest chose this moment to get to his feet. The Labour front bench were all wearing their Yvette-like serious faces, albeit without that cute nose crinkle. This is a sure sign of unfortunate statistics coming out and of them trying not to look smug. Sure enough, Forrest asked Dave about GDP. Cameron responded, as so often, by telling us how disappointed he was and then sought to blame debt, inflation and the Eurozone.
Forrest responded in time honoured fashion, telling the PM that people were fed up (apparently he does a quick straw poll every Wednesday morning) with these excuses. Now Dave might have responded that this was an odd statement given the state of the opinion polls. But, probably sensibly, he resisted the temptation. That would have actually left him open to one of Forrest's pre-scripted, weekly jibes about complacency. But Dave managed to mention the pre scripting anyway, alleging that Forrest never actually listens to the answer. The PM had said that there was more than one reason for our woes, which were only on a par or a little better than many of our neighbours.
Forrest tried a little righteous anger at this point. It is not his strong suit, although he doesn't have many anyway. It's that voice, that whining tone he has. It's hard to take seriously. Nevertheless, he was making Dave look a little uncomfortable as there were only so many excuses the PM could come up with. But instead he stopped. Dave was off the hook. What were the next three questions going to be about?Something more important than the state of the economy?
Only a short while later, after yet another question from Sir Peter Tapsell (why he is so favoured?) Forrest was back and asking about the NHS. Suddenly this didn't look like such a bad decision after all. Dave was decidedly lacklustre, although thankful for the breather. His line about a GP from Doncaster, Forrest's constituency, backing the reforms was weak to say the least. But he persisted with it, despite the silence this produced from behind him.
The Conservative benches look decidedly dispirited on this issue. The NHS reform is a sticky wicket for them and now the opposition to it is looking ever more organised and determined, albeit not so much from Her Majesty's Opposition.
And here was Forrest's weakness revealed for all to see. Dave was on the defensive and his defence was looking as porous as so many in this year's Premier League. Anyone would think that he was as unconvinced as the rest of the country about the NHS reforms, or that he doesn't really understand them, like everyone but the Health Secretary. His defence of them was pretty hopeless. He could have said that the NHS had to change and evolve or else it would collapse under its own contradictions. He probably wanted to say that nobody really knew if these reforms would work because the NHS is a hopeless and unwieldy monolith that will take longer to turn around than an oil tanker in the Straits of Hormuz. But he couldn't say that.
Did Forrest notice the PM's difficulties? Maybe he did. But he had neither the wit or the nous to capitalise on them. A decent Commons performer would have laid into Dave and ridiculed his weak defence of a major policy. But Forrest stuck to his script as usual. He was as flat footed as a 35 year old centre back with a dodgy achilles.
And this remains his and his party's problem. He just hasn't got what it takes. At a time when the government ought to be in trouble on so many issues, Labour is giving them a free ride. Dave barely has to try at these sessions because Forrest doesn't make him need to. This was actually one of the Labour leader's better outings but once again he failed to score what ought to have been a resounding win against a PM who was visibly struggling and has to keep reverting to the same tired excuses and arguments. This is a PM being allowed to get away with it and even taking a lead in the polls.
It says everything for Labour's predicament that they think that Yvette Cooper is the answer. She is no star performer herself, merely competent and earnest. She isn't quite as bad as a female version of Forrest. She is more like a female version of his brother. But for Labour at the moment perhaps that is the 21st century equivalent of a dream ticket.
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