Tuesday, 4 December 2012

Royal Baby - Rounding Off a Disastrous Year for the Windsors

Contrary to the general consensus, this has been a really terrible year for the royal family. First there was proof positive that our monarch is unable to control the weather as her jubilee celebrations were drenched by the drought conditions we suffered this summer here in Britain. Then there was the sight of Kate splashed all over foreign newspapers with her top off. Then there was Harry splashed all over with nothing on his bottom. Then there was the news that Duke of Edinburgh micturates just like the rest of us and that his bladder is prone to infection requiring common or garden antibiotics and reporters camped outside his hospital.

And now there is the news that royals throw up. Yes, the divine Kate, sweetheart of those evil newspaper editors because of what she does to their sales every time they put her on the front page, vomits just like we plebs. Of course she probably has a lackey to hold her hair back for her as she bends over the porcelain, and it is a better quality of porcelain, but she heaves just like the rest of us. More so in fact as she has ended up in hospital as a consequence.

Oh and she's having a baby. Yes royals do that too. And they procreate in the same way too. Serves them right for marrying a commoner. Surely a proper blue blood would have been more classy about it? Got someone else to do the heavy lifting. That's what they did with Harry after all. But then they had to bring in fresh blood to liven up the gene pool and rid themselves of that persistent bald gene that afflicts so many of them.

And the worst thing is that, because, as a commoner, Kate has had to go to hospital to cope with her morning sickness instead of just daintily vomiting into a napkin before carrying on stoically with making a speech or cutting a ribbon, we have all had to learn about this long before they would have felt it necessary to announce it. So now BBC reporters and newsreaders will have to employ those facile rictus grins on their faces for a full six months and Nicholas Witchell will scarcely be off our screens offering his simpering guesswork dressed up as insight. It's no wonder the Beeb occasionally libels politicians and lets off paedophiles for fear of damaging the Christmas schedules, the pressure must be unbearable.

In the light of all of this, I have rethought my opposition to controls on the press. There is simply too much intrusion into the lives of the royals. No more reporters camped outside hospitals. No more speculation dressed up as commentary. No more wittering about changing the law of succession just in time for a female baby. The headline on this morning's Telegraph speculating about the possibility of twins is frankly beyond the pale. Haven't I suffered enough already?

But one point I think we should just ponder: Kate and William were an item for years. What would have happened had he knocked her up before they were married? Would parliament have had to change the law for the little bastard? Now that is a story that even I would have been interested in.

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