Monday, 4 July 2016
A Week Is A Long Time
Last month, as you will be aware, a great fraud was perpetrated on the people of this country. In return for voting to leave the European Union we were made all kinds of promises and it seems that some of these may not necessarily have been entirely rooted in fact. I know! It will have come as a great revelation to the people of this country, especially those who admire and even love the European Union with its long tradition of legitimacy and accountability, that some of those who rule us can be economic with the actualite. Yet, we were informed by a large and peaceful protest on the streets of London at the weekend, we may have been hoodwinked - and not just because we thought that by voting for leave we would get that zip wire travelling blond chap as our next prime minister.
No, it seems that, in contrast to the entirely thoughtful and sober analysis of the remain side and the wise words from that nice Mr Osborne - he of the big boy's haircut that looks like it was taken straight from an action man figure from the 1970s - those dastardly leavers may have been prone once or twice to exaggeration and even - I don't know how to tell you this - outright lies.
Clearly 17 million people fell for this cunning ruse. Naively they had complete faith in the words of the leavers and thus rejected out of hand the analysis of the remainers that could not have been more upright and honest had it been put together by a whole congregation of dotty interwar spinsters from the pen of Agatha Christie.
And people are angry. They are furious. How dare the good honest northern folk of this country be allowed to have their simple, earthy, no nonsense, ferret loving, honest to goodness simplicity abused in this way. And who gave them the bloody vote in the first place?
Indeed so angry are southerners about all of this that one of them, a Cambridge don no less, walked into a meeting last week stark naked but for a slogan scrawled across her chest bemoaning the economic illiteracy of anyone from north of the Watford Gap. She was a big girl. I will resist pointing out that she might have been better able to make her point had she been a man with a more capacious chest, but then, as we all know, had she been a man and walked naked into such a meeting she would have been drummed out of the university, arrested and would by now have been made to sign the sex offenders' register.
It has of course only been 11 days now since the referendum and people are still coming to terms with the result. Now to be fair, our two parties of government and opposition have tried since then to distract us by imploding in a manner that ought by now to have created a black hole. And whilst the stock markets and the pound looked to be doing the same thing at first, they have now more or less recovered. This annoyed the remainers enormously. How were they supposed to keep the pressure on simple minded northern folk to recant without panic on the markets? There is only so long that they can keep it trending on Twitter after all. Matters were only made worse by England losing in the football to Iceland. This was clearly a conspiracy. Not only are many England footballers from up north, but Iceland are too. And apparently they are not in the EU either.
I only write all of the above to reassure the Conservative Party. There really is no need for you to stop talking about yourselves for the next two months so as to actually do some governing. No need at all. Never mind the fact that, quite clearly, at least three of you have no chance whatsoever of beating Theresa May. Clearly you are engaged in this exercise because you believe in democracy and want, what the Labour Party like to call, an open and honest debate. Unfortunately this was what they said before they let Jeremy Corbyn become a candidate.
You might be wondering, incidentally, why I have illustrated this post with a picture of lots of naked people riding bicycles. It's not just because I could find no picture of the Cambridge don's naked protest. No, this is an annual event that takes place through the streets of London by concerned citizens, all of whom seem to be middle aged and middle class for no reason I can discern, as they protest about climate change. To whom are they protesting you might justifiably wonder. And why do they need to do it naked? Could it be that they just felt like getting their kit off and needed an excuse and if they could combine it with being sanctimonious then so much the better? Might we suggest that this might be a way for all of those newly disenfranchised young people to protest about our secession from the EU? After all, I bet they all own bikes and live in London.