Thursday, 29 September 2016

The Platitudes of Chauncey

Chauncey and his friends used to talk about Venezuela a lot. Now to be fair they have been a bit busy of late, not least because several of them have have had to do several jobs all at the same time, and not even the sort of jobs that Tories do. Oh no. These jobs are shadow cabinet jobs vacated by Red Tories who resigned from Chauncey's administration in waiting in order to depose him with Owen Smith. That went well. Chauncey himself does not have several jobs and indeed does not do the job he has especially well. But he does have jam to make. And early evening socialisation to avoid. And biscuits because of his sugar ban. Don't ask what his jam is made of. And for God's sake don't taste it.

Anyway, back to Venezuela. They used to talk about it a lot as an example of the kind of socialist society that they wanted for Britain. Then the whole thing imploded. They stopped talking about it after that for some reason. They do not mention the shortages. They do not mention the queues. They do not mention the increasingly dictatorial government. They do not mention the lack of medicines. They do not mention the hunger. Odd that.

To be fair some at Labour's conference this week did mention Venezuela. It was not the busy jam maker and his pals though. It was his fans. They offered solidarity to Venezuela, by which of course they meant the well fed government of Venezuela and not its benighted people. The ambassador for Venezuela was in Liverpool with them. It was generally agreed, probably by some kind of democratic vote for all I know, that all of the problems of Venezuela lie at the door of the west and of America. Obviously.

I mention all of this because it helps as an introduction to the mindset of the kind of cretins who thought that Chauncey's speech yesterday was a good one. They did not hear what the rest of us heard   - a man more accustomed to yelling at people through a megaphone give a dull, flat and monotone speech recited with all of the excitement of a phone directory. For our younger readers a phone directory was a large book with everyone's phone numbers in them at a time when everyone had phones connected by things called wires and we were all connected by something called the GPO, which belonged to us all and which worked in much the same way as Venezuela does now.

Chauncey's speech was a triumph - for those of us who think he is a feckless dimwit. It was very very funny, albeit not in the places it was intended to be funny. Yes there were 'jokes'. You could tell they were meant to be jokes because he paused and pulled a face to signal the need for laughter. The audience of bearded weirdos and sandal wearers duly obliged. In the future when the great leader tells a joke there will be apparatchiks in place to ensure fulsome laughter and to watch for who stops laughing or applauding first.

Chauncey offered his great vision to the country yesterday and the country watched in fascination as the hall of cretins - many had left earlier leaving only the true believers behind - applauded him for it. If Labour's manifesto of 1983 was the longest suicide note in history then this was it performed on stage. By a tribute act. Who was tone-deaf. And more sartorially challenged.

Oh and he can't count. Or speak English. You haven't been re-elected twice, Chaunce. You have been elected and then re-elected. But perhaps you don't believe it any more than the rest of us.

Not that he is letting this stop him. No he and his friend John are doubling down. They are no longer afraid to mention socialism. Not that they ever were. This was why his party was afraid to let him near the leadership and why he invited so many other people to join the party to outvote them. This is democracy apparently.

Chauncey and co are going to usher in a period of great fairness and of jobs. And of equality. And of immigration. Yes, immigration. If the people of Britain disagree with this then he will simply invite millions of people into the country so that we are outvoted. He's done it with his party and he will do it to the damned country.

Because Chauncey doesn't believe in countries anyway. That's why we don't need an army. Or defences. Or NATO. Or spies to keep tabs on the spies of other countries and stop them trying to kill us. No. We just need to speak softly and carry a copy of the Morning Star and all will be well.

He is going to offer us a foreign policy based on peace, justice and human rights. If only someone had thought of that before. And he's intensely relaxed about immigration and is going to invite in many millions more Europeans into the country, not that they will want to come because he intends to introduce across Europe a policy of uniform minimum wages for all. It takes a special kind of comic genius to say something as brainless as that so deadpan seriously. Except of course he believes every word of it and that it is a brilliant new idea of his, much like his notion of stopping all war by disarming. Presumably he will not have had his mind changed by news yesterday that his friends in Russia were responsible for shooting a plane full of tourists out of the sky. Perhaps he was making jam last week too when they were revealed to have bombed an aid convoy heading to Aleppo. Or was that an American plot too?

The market system, said Chauncey, has failed. Has it? Perhaps I have been making jam too, but I seem to recall that when I went out yesterday afternoon that the shops were still functioning and were indeed well stocked with tasty treats, clothes, consumer goods of all kinds, that tumbrels were not sweeping over the ground and that I wasn't attacked by feral beasts. Indeed you might look at things in Britain today and consider that things seem to be functioning rather well really, especially when compared to, say, oh pick a name at random: Venezuela.

Labour, it is said, is on standby for Theresa May to call a snap general election. She's just got to find an excuse to do so. Labour is currently polling around 26%. It's probably an American plot.

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