Friday, 27 January 2017

How to Be Friends With Trump

If you haven't seen Trump's deranged interview with ABC News this week then I post it below for your delectation and delight. I particularly recommend it right at the start when he talks of the tremendous magnitude of his job and the bigness. He is especially entertaining on how utterly brilliant his rambling and incoherent speech to the CIA was last Saturday and how he got a world record standing ovation for it. Or why not enjoy the part when he tells us that he would definitely have won the popular vote had he campaigned for it. Yet at the same time he complains that there are 5 million illegal voters and that this is why Hillary won the popular vote. He has no evidence for this whatever except a report whose author says it does not say what the president claims it says. When confronted by this Trump says that the author is 'grovelling.' Clearly Trump does not know what the word grovelling means. He also claims that he knows that the millions of illegal votes he has no evidence for, none of them went to him. None of them. Yet had he campaigned these illegal voters would have voted for him. No, nor me.

Just to prove that his ridiculous fury over the reports supposedly diminishing the size of the crowds at his inauguration last week was not out of character or an aberration he repeats it and even shows photos he has already had put up. So he has pictures showing what a liar he is in the White House.

All of which should concentrate the minds of the British delegation heading to see the president today. How do they deal with that amount of crazy? Answer: embrace it and go along with it. Crazy people can be dangerous, because they don't realise that they are crazy. We do at least have the consolation that he doesn't drink. But for now the fact that he is utterly doolally works to our advantage. Just flatter the feckless imbecile. Tell him how great he is.

It is fortunate that Theresa May is going to see Trump first because she will be able to be his new best friend now against the rest of the world who might take advantage of this political ingenue and all round cretin. And anyway Trump likes us. He knows we are classy and posh. Trump wants to be classy and posh. He thinks he is already obviously, because he likes lots of gold. But he's never entirely sure what knife and fork to use with his burger and should he stick out and crook his little finger when drinking tea?

The best way to deal with Trump is to flatter him. He is said to want the biggest and best state visit to Britain that there has ever been. Of course he does. So let's give it to him. Let's even allow him to go on to the balcony at Buckingham Palace with Her Maj and wave to the crowds. Since it is Donald there is bound to be a vast crowd there to see it all. And much much bigger than anything anyone has ever seen before. Much bigger than for all of the royal weddings, coronations and VE Day put together. Oh and Churchill was at a couple of those. Make sure you tell him that. Churchill gave lots of famous speeches tell him. He was renowned for them. But none were as good as Trump's at the inauguration or at the CIA. Now, about that trade deal, Donald. Sign here. My what a big signature. And what massive hands you have.

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