Wednesday, 4 January 2017

Tales of Vlad the Botoxed: Vlad's Moobs

Vlad the Botoxed is unusual amongst world statesmen in being prepared on a regular basis to be seen in a state of semi undress. He regularly appears shirtless for instance, which is odd given his chubby appearance that is not so very different to that famous occasion when David Cameron was photographed on a Cornwall beach showing all the very obvious signs of spending a great deal of his time sat at a desk and snacking more than he should.

Vlad's tendency to take off his shirt dates back to when he was at school and the teachers made half of the boys play as skins and the other half as shirts. Vlad always volunteered to be one of the skins. In those days of course he did not have man boobs. But this is something that has stayed with him throughout his life. To this day his favourite film is Top Gun because of that scene where they play volleyball bare chested. In Vlad's mind he looks just like Val Kilmer.

Vlad appears to be proud of his manly chest, even though it would not look out of place if seen being held in place by a bra. Of course he has the advantage of living in a country in which dissent and ridicule of the presidential figure is outlawed. He is famous for having his critics and enemies killed. Quite a few people have been disappeared over the years because they were caught sniggering at Vlad's publicity pictures.

This is the little known reason why Vlad set up his huge teams of hackers. He was determined to rid the internet of posts like this one. Of course this is impossible. It is like a game of whack-a-mole. Vlad is generally regarded by most observers as having 'won' 2016. Vlad doesn't think so. He's still furious that people laugh at him whenever he takes his shirt off. Anyone thinking of travelling to Russia for the 2018 World Cup should bear this in mind. Some countries outlaw alcohol, others outlaw any mockery of their royal family. Russia bans any adverse comment about the president's chest and tendency to take his shirt off whenever the opportunity presents itself. Anyone opining that this may be a consequence of latent homosexuality

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