Sunday, 8 January 2017

The Bible: A Very Grim Fairytale: Leviticus: Chapter 15 - Of God and Genitalia

Now God wanted to talk about genitalia. No, really. Is there nothing beneath his attention? Is there nothing for which he does not have some quack cure that makes homeopathy look reasonable?

God called Moses and Aaron together. He wanted to talk penises. To be fair there probably wasn't much to talk about in the desert. Mind you even the weather would have been a more wholesome subject.

Anyway, God, being the prescriptive details obsessed God he was, had some very specific instructions with regard to penile discharges. Now you might imagine that this God, being the dictatorial kind of God who brooked no dissent, might have simply told his people to steer clear of dalliances with wanton women and thus solved a large proportion of the problem. But no. Nothing so simple. Because God did not discriminate between the various discharges that can afflict a man and his penis.

And so here begins centuries of guilt and misery heaped on man for the sin of having a john thomas and wanting to use it. The discharge that 90% of us have brought about by our own hand so to speak is treated the same way that a discharge because of an STD might be treated. And this is treated the same way as the discharge from an infection. This ignorant god didn't know the difference. Oh and, as we have pointed out before, he didn't know about Penicillin either, which is odd if you believe that God created everything: all of the animals, all of the plants and all of the bacteria even before the invention of the microscope allowed anyone to see them.

Anyone with a discharge, whatever its cause, was to be the cause of an unholy amount of laundry. Everything that the poor afflicted man had touched, sat on or other wise come into contact with was to be washed and this included a saddle. Now suddenly they had horses. That's a new one never mentioned before.

He or she who did the laundry was also unclean until some washing had taken place and a decent interval through to that evening had elapsed. You can't be too careful after all.

If he who had the issue, even after a bit of harmless onanism, spat on someone else then that person became unclean. Why he would have spat on anyone is a mystery. Maybe they were confusing masturbation with mastication.

If the man with the issue touched a pot in the kitchen then that pot must be broken and never used again. I wonder if it ever occurred to them that this might all have been caused by all of that pointless circumcision God had insisted upon. Modern science tells us that the foreskin fends off infections.

Once the issue and infection had passed, there was of course a cleansing ritual followed by a sacrifice ritual to be gone through as usual. There was to be washing for seven days followed by the sacrifice of a couple of turtle doves or pigeons.

Ejaculation was to be treated in much the same way. There was to be much washing done. Even the woman, into whom the ejaculation took place, was to be bathed and treated as unclean for the rest of the day.

Things got worse for women then though. Menstruating women were unclean. They were unclean for  7 days, which meant a big chunk out of each and every month. Anyone touching said unclean woman was also unclean and requiring cleansing. It went without saying of course that no man could have sex with a menstruating woman. If he did he was unclean. But given that he would be unclean just by sitting on the bed how practical this was for a society presumably not replete with spare bedrooms is an open question. Anyway, after all of this being unclean for 7 days and all of the washing and so on there was to be.....yep, you're starting to see a pattern here aren't you. More sacrifices.

All of this had to be done, said God, so that these unclean people did not defile his Tabernacle. What on Earth were they getting up to in the Tabernacle? If only I had known this I might have started going to church more often.

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