Thursday, 16 March 2017

Exclusive: Trump's Latest Conspiracy Theory Tweets

A federal judge in Hawaii last night put a freeze on the latest Trump travel ban just a few hours before it was due to come into effect. This will likely have caused fury in the White House, which will only cause fingernails to be getting shorter, because we all know what happens when the president is denied things, when he is told no, when he is told that he has been a bad orange boy.

Now Hawaii is, as we all know, the state where Barack Obama spent his childhood and where he often goes to recharge his batteries. So it's not hard, if you happen to be of a certain mindset and in possession of a Twitter account, to see a conspiracy at work here. Obama is more popular than Donald. Obama won more votes both popular and electoral than Donald. As we all know Donald is a genius and any suggestions to the contrary are clearly fake news. Donald has been a good boy now for a couple of weeks in the hope that they will forget what he said about Obama a couple of weeks ago and give him back his phone. And now a conspiracy between Obama and this so-called judge means he is going to get bad headlines again and that is so unfair. Bad!

And so clearly this must mean that Obama has once again used his deep state apparatus to stymie Donald in an attempt to make him foolish. Obama is behind the rumours about Donald using fake tan products when everyone can see that his is a naturally healthy glow. Obama was just jealous of Donald's speech to Congress which won the best ratings ever for a speech of any kind. Ever. Obama has been spying on Donald with a really really big telescope from his new house in Washington in an attempt to catch Donald in his bathrobe watching Fox News. Unfair! Bad! Obama was recently in New York and had dinner with a famous rock star, the sort of person that would have played at Donald's inauguration had not Obama told him not to. Unfair! Bad! Sad! Obama had White House staff put cellophane over all of the lavatories in the White House to trick Donald when he moved in. Unfair! Bad! Wet! Made Donald's fake tan run.


On cue, Trump last night refused to back down on his claims of wire tapping in an interview with, who else, Fox News. Except that is exactly what he is doing because he is amending his language on it. Now a wiretap can mean a lot of different things, he told us. Or nothing of course. Wiretap in itself is a very old fashioned phrase, which tells us a lot.

Trump also did what he always does on these occasions and tried to kick it off into the long grass or at least into the future. We will start hearing a lot of interesting things about this in the next couple of weeks, he claimed, in the same way that he used to tell us that his tax returns would be published very soon, that he would come up with a plan for how to beat ISIS, that he would have a plan for how to get Mexico to pay for the wall. You get the picture. Trump says something, people ask him for specifics, he stonewalls or says that details will emerge soon. They, of course, never do. It is the standard tactic of this president of bullshit.

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