Saturday, 1 April 2017

New £1 Coin Hospitalises Early Users

Embarrassed Royal Mint officials are hurriedly instituting a huge recall of the new £1 coin this weekend after initial users reported an unexpected side effect of carrying the new 12 sided coins in pockets.

In the event that anyone has the new coins in their pocket along with the new plastic £5 notes the alloys of the coin can interact with the plastics in the notes and create static electricity when rubbed together. Some angry users have reported sudden agonising pain whenever the build-up of static becomes too great and a discharge takes place.

One man, who had several of the new coins in his pocket alongside a wad of £5 notes was hospitalised after a bolt of electricity shot through his leg and set his trousers on fire. A reporter was despatched to interview him but the gentleman, who wishes to remain anonymous, was still shaking from the residual effects of the shock, which experts have said was similar to the jolt from a bolt of lightning. A doctor told us that the injuries could have been a lot worse had the patient not been a regular all over body groomer. 'And I dread to think what might have happened had he been carrying a wad of the new £10 notes,' she said.

Other users have however reported a more pleasing side effect of the coin and note interaction. Some men have reported an unexpected state of arousal after walking around with the coins and notes. Some women trouser wearers have reported similar feelings and one told us of re-enacting the famous scene from When Harry Met Sally as a consequence.

A spokesperson for the Royal Mint, April Furst, told us that a solution to the problem is being urgently sought. 'In the meantime,' she said, 'we urge customers to take extreme caution when carrying these coins and to keep the £5 notes separate. Either that or wear rubber soled shoes,' she added helpfully.

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